Nearly there now!!

It seems so long ago now since I started this journey and blogged about the process and now the end of the tunnel is in sight!! Today I can’t stop crying because the hospital have rang with my date for plastic surgery. Two emotional phone calls- one to say the 12th July but I’m in America so I put the phone down and cried! Then a phone call straight after to say sorry they have Friday 22nd June! I sobbed on the phone and said Thank you, Thank you. Then the phone calls to my family and crying! It’s not a good luck when you’re stood in Tescos shopping and your crying to your dad on the phone and he’s crying too!!!! But they are tears of joy mixed in with so many other emotions it’s untrue. It’s not just this journey I have been on but the last 2/3 years which have been a total rollercoaster and you think to yourself have I actually been through all that, surely one person can’t go through all that?!! I can’t describe the emotions I feel right now other than I might get my face back, although with the nerve damage I won’t get the feeling back but I may look like me! I also know there are so many people who have far far worse but when it’s on you, you can’t explain it!! I know I’ve healed amazingly, so well some people already think I’ve had the surgery and those that have only met me post scars don’t know any difference and people do say wow your face looks amazing but it’s still not me!! Somehow a long this journey I’ve lost friends and gained friends and lost people I love in one way or another! To my family I love you and thank you for all the support you give. I will never blog on this again now, the end is in sight, I did it to help me, to stop me going down a dark road, to help others. The last thing I need to do now is stock up on factor 50 and a huge hat because going to America in the middle of summer 2 weeks after facial surgery wasn’t the best idea!!!!!!

Where did that year go???!!!

  • My cousin said to me this time last year, take pictures each month and in a year see how you have changed/healed and boy was she right!!! You actually forget yourself when you look in the mirror each day then you see someone who you’ve not seen in a while and they say wow look how you have healed!!! I put it down to good Corbett genes/skin!! Lol well that’s what us Corbett’s like to say!! But yeah I promised my cousin in a years time I’d compare pictures and I’m happy!!! I’m still on that waiting list to have my bottom fat put into my face but I’m not putting anything on hold waiting for that day!! But most of all I wanted to say thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart for the people who supported me!! The unbreakable friendships that were tested ( and they know who they are ) my family who have had a very hard year, not just with me but in their own lives, we are strong and to that one person who always picks me up off the floor, wipes me down and makes me carry on, I love you all……

Whole new meaning to face like a slapped arse!!!!!

So I’ve been back to hospital today to see what the plastic surgeon had to say. To start I saw the junior plastic surgeon asking lots of questions of how it’s effected me in daily life, skin regime etc etc, then proceeded to tell me what she thought they could do being a bit evasive on the scars under my eye and whether if surgery would help or not and that if surgery was the option it wouldn’t be till sometime next year ( cue the sad face ) as I was still healing and they won’t do surgery for at least 12/18months!! Cue another sad face, I really thought maybe just maybe I’d get the surgery this year but then again how fast is this year going already. So after talking to the junior plastic surgeon in walked the very very nice senior plastic surgeon, who says so what would you do?? So the junior explains what she thinks she’ll do then after the senior says ‘ Ok right! Very good but here’s what I’m going to do!!’ I’m going to cut the skin ( lump) away from the scar at the side of your mouth, stretch it and stitch it to the other line so it’s just one scar line, then the other scars on the other side of your face we are going to fill with fat!!!! Fat?? Yes fat!! And please Mr Surgeon where are you going to get the fat from?? Where would you like me to take it from( little wink )?? Erm my bum please Mr Surgeon!! ( little giggle exchange ) My next question should of been was ‘ well while you’re at it you might as well do some liposuction on that derrière but I didn’t think quick enough. He proceeded to tell me his waiting list is very very long so even though he wanted to see me in January to see how my scars had healed he was going to pop me on the waiting list now. Now are you happy with all that Mrs Johnson?? Well I suppose so at least I know a bit more! Well off you pop now to have your photos taken and no not a photo shoot although there was a big camera/lights but no action!! Just evidence for them. So after walking the whole of the hospital to eventually find the ‘ medical illustration’ with my dad in tow which is like a comedy of errors in itself,  I could ring my family to give them the update!!! They think it’s hilarious they’re going to take the fat from my bum!! My husband wants to know if the surgeon will stitch my mouth together to and my son keeps calling me arse face!!! Hence the title face like a slapped arse!!!!!!!!

Changing Faces!!

I went out at the weekend for the first time!! When I say out i mean Out out!! Not for a meal, not to friends for drinks not shopping not the theatre I mean away, bars, clubs, dancing! And I had a fantastic night, I needed it. It was hard, I was nervous , I try not to show it and just get on with it cause it’s all that you can do. It’s ok in your own environment you can deal with it, now you know it just different. I’ve never been backward in coming forward talking to people but you know it’s different now you can just feel it!!! There was one little hiccup in the toilet which I’m not going to bore you with and I had a little cry but I didn’t let it ruin my night!! I’m a bit crazy when I’m out and I think the girls I was with thought it was hilarious!! Well we woke up laughing anyway!!! Fabulous night!! Today watching This Morning there was members of the group Changing Faces an organisation I emailed about a month or so go but never heard back so I presumed my face or story isn’t what they are looking for or I’ve not been born with a disfigurement or not badly burnt, I don’t know?? But on watching the program and getting a little upset over a boy with a cleft lip, for some reason I thought I’d check my junk mail and there it was, they had emailed me straight back asking if they could ring me and would love to hear from me and to tell my story and if I could volunteer with them in anyway!!!! I emailed straight back explaining and apologies for my late reply!! I hope I can help anyone in anyway!!

Amazing Show!!!

And Relax!!!…. I don’t know where this year, 4.5 months has gone already?!! It feels like a year ago it feels like yesterday it’s feel like 2 minutes ago I was panicking ringing my friend the Director, saying my face is a mess but I so want to be in the play and now its done now it’s over!!! The last few weeks have been hectic and I’ve had my doubts whether or not I was ready for this, the lines weren’t going in my head which isn’t like me, the worries of people thinking what’s wrong with her face ( for those in the audience who did not know me ) am I mentally ready for this, the pain of wearing to much makeup!! But I did it, I loved it, I was me again, I was doing what I love, I was free, the audience opened that fridge door and I did my turn and all my fears melted away, it was all in my head and I never gave it a second thought!!! There was a part at the end of act 1 where I cried on stage and that’s exactly what I did, I cried, my emotions are on the brink but I was crying because I was happy, it was about friends/friendship, staying together and that’s why I cried because the support on and off stage has been overwhelming. Thank you to the people that came to support, people I’ve not seen in years to the people who are always there to my fellow performers I love you!!!! I’m a little teary eyed and tired today, my face hurts with so much makeup I’ve had to wear, so it’s a lazy day with my face smothered in Rosehip seed oil. My next big adventure and performance will be in another kind of theatre entirely, the operation theatre for more plastic surgery, when I do not know but it can only make it better, the lines I will learn for this one are- while I’m on You’re stage Mr Plastic surgeon can you just do this that and the other??! Oh and my husband would like me to look like Selma Hyack but unless he comes back looking like Gerard Butler he’s got no chance!!!!!! I probably won’t blog much now unless I feel the need to, I’m ok, this helped me, I’m stronger than I ever thought. Life throws things at you it’s up to you how you throw it back. Thank you again to the people who know what they have done for me, I had to screen shot a message today from a friend as it was just so beautiful and overwhelming. As I sit here today, face full of cream, duvet, telly, dogs, I’m happy, I didn’t let it beat me I didn’t let it stop me, I got back out there, I’m ME!!!

A big bag of mixed feelings!!!

So I feel like I’ve been waiting for this day forever!! I forget it’s only been just under 4 months and people tell me all the time but to me it feels like years!! So today I have a mix bag of feelings, today I found out I will be having more surgery. On one hand I’ve been waiting for this and kind of knew but on the other hand I am gutted because I thought they may say, No Mrs Johnson you can go ahead with your other plans!!- which was a private clinic that specialises in scars. I couldn’t tell you what they do, it’s a friend of my mums who really wants to help me ( it’s not what you know, it’s who you know ) unfortunately this will have to wait as it can’t be done till all surgery is complete. So it’s a waiting game again as it’s 3/6 months before anything can be done. So my patience is a little bit thin as I want it all done NOW ( stamping my feet!!! ) But the surgeons must think they can help me more and there’s more work to be done and don’t get me wrong they are so pleased with how I’ve healed but when you want it all done this minute you want to shout at them ‘ Why not now!!’ I sometimes feel like I’m that little girl crying in the sweet shop again, throwing a tantrum because I can’t get my own way!!!!! Maybe I need to start meditating!!! Patience Hayley patience, it will all happen in the end.​

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Don’t forget your factor duffle coat!!!!

I’ve not blogged for a few weeks, I’m knackered and mentally drained, nothing to do with my face but when you feel like that you neglect what’s important and it’s important that I look after the scars. You can’t just get up in a morning and go straight out, you can’t just fall into bed, makeup still on, mascara smeared under your eyes, it doesn’t look good for us girls at the best of times but I can look like a monster!!( she laughs) So the surgeons said ‘You must wear factor 50 now Mrs Johnson for the rest of your life’, now I forget to wear sun cream in general and being a red head that’s stupid anyway but when it’s not really sunny out there it’s not something you thing about but something I must get used to. So I’m there armed with argon oil then factor duffel coat then prima then foundation then concealer then powder then blusher!! By the time I’ve finished I feel I could audition for a part as a ventriloquist dummy my face is that tight!! I’m not used to this but needs must. I would love to of gone abroad this year but I can’t go in the sun, well that doesn’t mean I’ve turned into a vampire and I can only come out at night!! I just can’t go abroad in the sun. What I have to remember is I will one day and on the days that I am down just keep looking in that mirror and applying those creams.​

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Happy Mother’s Day Frankenstein!!!!

They say out of the mouths of babes and it’s very true when it comes to children, especially my son who believe me has no filter and just sees things how it is. It must be so nice to just say it and not have a care in the world but we as adults think about the consequence of what may come out of mouths or in my case hide away and not face up to things. This Mother’s Day has been special but also tinged with sadness. This week has been full of eye openers, decisions, realising who’s there, realising who’s not, anger, heartbreak, sadness, joy and relief!!! Could one person possibly go through all these emotions at once?!! On Wednesday I went to a spiritual healer, now some may say ‘wow really’ some may say ‘what a load of mumbo jumbo!!!!’ I didn’t go for a spiritual reading, I went for reflexology and reiki but let’s just say by the end of it I was sobbing in tears so much it was hard to breath!! I also felt fantastic, enlightened, what she told me was a real eye opener!! I’ve had signs all week or what I think were signs so then I dealt with my demons head on, stopped burying my head in the sand and did what I thought the signs were telling me, ‘I cannot be ready for another battle till I’ve put one battle to bed’. But battles as side, Mothers Day this year was very different to last, I had my boys and even though we knew it would be hard I was woken to ‘ Happy Mother’s Day Frankenstein, I love you mum, and even though I don’t always show it and I get angry, you only get one mum and you’re beautiful  strong mum!!!’ I can’t really ask for more can I!!!! When you know you have that support network round you and you’re doing everything in your power to help them then you know you can get through anything.

The show must go on!!!

So I’m back doing what I love! Rehearsals have started for my 3 women play and I have to say ‘Thank God!!!’ I feel like I’m going stir crazy. Like I said at the beginning of my blogs the director was one of the first people to contact to say give me time but I still so wanted to be involved. I’ve had a break for a while since doing my one women tour beginning of last year, which was a huge success but feels like a life time ago and a different face. I’ve said before I’m not a vain person and will quite happily walk round with no makeup on but when the stage is your life and you love being centre stage I can’t even begin to explain to you what it’s like to have your face taken away, your confidence taken away, your nerve taken away!! You think to yourself can you really get out there, can you really put yourself in front of an audience, people who you don’t know wondering what has happened to her face?! The makeup may cover but it’s also physcological but the answer is YES! of course you can, you’re no different from the person you were before, you’ve not changed at all. My confidence comes from being in front of people not hiding away. I also have the support of my other ladies in the play that I know will pick me up if I faulter. So back in January when we needed to take pictures for the poster for the play, I couldn’t and wasn’t up to it but last night I put on the slap to have said pictures and pouted the best I could with my dodgy scarred lip and had the pictures, obviously the last one is photoshopped for the poster I just wish those were my cheeks!!!!

Tough week!!!

I’ve not known whether to blog this week because just as you’ve picked yourself up wiped yourself down faced your demons and settled some pasts!!! Wham!! Life hits you again with the harsh reality of how cruel it can be! From the start of the year it seems this is not mine or my families year, it’s not going to play fare with us. From me to the sad sudden loss of my uncle to the loss of our beloved mother/mother in law this week and numerous other things that have been thrown at me to test me recently which I don’t say, what’s the point I could write a book!!! So you look to the sky and ask ‘why me?’ ‘Give me a break’. I was hoping for a good week- a make over at my beautiful friends boutique to try out makeup for me to wear on stage and the start of rehearsals for a 3 women play, something to focus on something normal. But no there were other plans in store!! I certainly can’t get my head around the events from Jan to now and every time something happens all I can say is ‘I just don’t understand, I just don’t understand?’. People say things are sent to try us because you’re strong, you can take it, you pick yourself up and carry on?! It doesn’t always feel like that!! Once again I’d just like to put my head under the covers!! But it won’t achieve anything, it won’t make my scars heal any quicker, it won’t bring our loved ones back, it’s not going to help family going through a tough time. So once again you say ‘ Come on H, pull yourself together, be the strong person you know you can and have to be!!’ And you’ll get that ‘make up’ and get out on that stage, whether it’s the Stage of life, or treading the boards.